These guidelines were developed by David Kirsh to assist clients and their spouses in helping their children through the divorce process. They are general in nature, and not all will apply to your situation. The child’s age and other factors will come into play. However, my experience has been that parents who can jointly apply these principles have less animosity between themselves, healthier relationships with their children, and more emotionally stable children.
1. In both parents’ homes enforce the same rules. This applies to such things as:2. Talk to each other.
3. Pay your child support on time.
4. Try to use the same the same discipline methods, and try to limit discipline which will spill over into the other parent’s time with the children. If extended discipline is warranted (e.g., grounding for a week, no television for a week, etc.) this should be discussed with the other parent before it is put in place. Major issues should be discussed between the parents; a joint meeting with the parents (and step-parents) and the child is very beneficial. It shows the child that his parents are unified, are both concerned about his welfare/behavior, and that there is no “wiggle room” between households. Do not forego appropriate discipline in the name of developing “self-esteem”.
5. Let your child know that her parents speak regularly with each other, especially when the separation is fresh. This will help stave off manipulation by the child, which is a function of the child’s intelligence rather than dishonesty. The first time your 8 year old child says “Mom lets me watch ‘R’ movies...”, when you don’t believe it is appropriate or true, simply say “OK, let me call your Mom and find out about this.” Your child will get the message that she can not play one parent against the other.
6. Counseling for your child can be very helpful, but is no substitute for cooperative parents. Besides, a couple of phone calls each week with your ex is less expensive than therapy.
7. Try to recognize that you are both doing the best you can, and try to help each other. If you haven’t regularly cooked dinner for your children or packed their lunches, ask your ex for advise, recipes, etc. Same for buying clothing, doctor and dentist visits, etc. If you have not handled the finances, ask your spouse about how to organize and maintain a system. Not only will these provide other avenues for discussion, but they will also help maintain consistency for the children and foster a sense of value for the other parent’s contributions.
8. Your children are with their mother on Mother’s Day. They are with their father on Father’s Day. No exceptions. The same is true of a parent’s birthday.
9. Talk to each other.
10. Your children do not ever call anyone else Mom, Dad, Pop or any other parental appellation. There is one mother and one father.
11. Be on time, and stick to the schedule. If you need flexibility on any given day, ask for it. Flexibility is desirable, but it is to be given, not taken as a right. Flexibility is especially important around special events, vacations and extended family visits. If your ex’s mother is coming to town, rearrange the schedule for her to spend the time with her grandchildren. If the two of you have always taken the children to some event (circus, state fair, etc.), talk with your ex about your desire to take them before making the plans, because she may have the same idea. If necessary to decide who will take them to the circus, flip a coin or take them to Disney On Ice or anything else rather than fight about something which is supposed to be fun for the children.
12. Never let your child decide when he will go to the other parent’s home. 10 year old children are not capable of deciding what is best for them in major areas of their life. They do not decide if they will go to school, the dentist, etc., and do not decide on a parenting time schedule. If you have doubts about this you should watch the movie “Lord Of The Flies” to see what happens to overly empowered children.
13. Let your child know that you want her to enjoy her time with her other parent. Talk about what they are going to do, what they did, etc. Do not interrogate them or use them to spy.
14. No matter how much you may dislike your ex, try not to discuss it with the child. Do not say things like “You’re just like your father” when you are angry. You can refuse to discuss some things with your children.
15. Cooperate around holidays. Nothing will be as long remembered by your child as a fractious Christmas. Have a joint birthday celebration. It doesn’t matter at whose house. If a particularly expensive gift is in order, go in on it together. Competition to buy the best present is not attractive.
16. Let your child see your mutual joy at her happiness. Sit together at sporting events, dance recitals, etc. Attend parent-teacher conferences together with your child. Always advise the other of such events as soon as possible.
17. Do not blame the other parent because the child can not have/do something. Do not tell her “We can’t go to the movies because Daddy is late with his check”. Do not tell him “We can’t go to the Nuggets game because your Mom won’t change the schedule.” Do not tell your child about such plans until you are sure you can follow through with them.
18. Try to be sensible about introducing a new girlfriend/boyfriend to the children, rather than just injecting him/her into their lives. If it looks like your ex’s new love is going to be around for the long term, establish a cordial relationship if possible. Take him out for a beer or go to lunch. Learn about this man/woman who is going to be around your children, and let them get to know you.
19. Talk to each other.